Welcome to the Information Technology Department, where we have proudly done more with less for so long that we now do everything with nothing. Our mission is to provide reliable, secure, and modern technology services using equipment that predates several of our employees and a budget that was last seen in a different decade.
Following the most recent round of cost optimization, our team of one (1) remaining technician now supports 1,400 users, 3 buildings, and a fax machine that Finance insists is "load-bearing."
[ photos of our server room failed to load — much like the server room ]
| Service | Status | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| DEGRADED | Attachments over 1MB now mailed physically | |
| VPN | OFFLINE | Renewal invoice "in review" since Q1 |
| Backups | OFFLINE | The tape drive is the backup of the tape drive |
| Wi-Fi (3rd Floor) | DECOMMISSIONED | Replaced with a sign reading "go downstairs" |
| Help Desk Phone | OFFLINE | We could not afford the phone |
| Printer (Lobby) | JAMMED | Has been jammed since the printer was installed |
| Coffee Machine | CRITICAL | Morale dependency — escalated to P1 |
| Hope | DEPRECATED | End-of-life as of last reorg |
"We've been told to 'leverage existing assets.' Our existing asset is a 2008 Dell OptiPlex named Gerald. Gerald is tired. Gerald has seen things. Please, for the love of all that is uptime, approve the budget."
— The IT Director (also: the help desk, the network engineer, the security team, and the guy who fixes the printer)
Your spare budget line items could keep Gerald running another fiscal year.